", Variations of this piece have also been misattributed to, "Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body". And in 2017, Rolling Stone magazine ranked Carlin second on its list of the 50 Best Stand-Up Comics of All Time, just behind Richard Pryor. They don't want to hear from you. Here's what you do: First of all, you don't get all scared and do whatever he tells you. 50. You see all, sooner or later. 2K views, 27 likes, 7 loves, 18 comments, 0 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Dbstvstlucia: DBS MORNING SHOW & OBITUARIES 25TH APRIL 2023 APRIL 2023 No. Several reasons. Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. They don't pass through a membrane from another reality. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. George Carlin, 49. Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that shit. We are on a nice downward glide. The Trump administration is channeling George Carlin's "Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television." It has banned seven words and phrases from the Centers for Disease Control and . It's ridiculous! 'Cause chickens are decent people. Its the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin different. It's like "pre-recorded" "This program was pre-recorded." The difference for me is that conservatives are more interested in property values and rights and free markets, and liberals are more interested in human rights. Not a word. 17. Live and let live. A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist. Ask an addict. Change His plan? But did you ever notice that we have no war on homelessness? Now there is another phrase I dearly love. Put the blame where it belongs: on the people. I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. The upper class keeps all of the money, pays none of the taxes. 27. That's what they told us they were, remember? That way, perhaps we can add our own special, obscene imprint to Christmas in Midtown.". A boring game for boring people. Some of these one-liners included: "The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. His insights on the world of politics were always keen and often quite funny. 44. Nothing sacred about those things. One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is "libertarian". not understanding that George Carlin was the type of person to roast one side, and when the other side started cheering he would turn and . Because Im an American and I expect a little cancer in my food and water. And the people said "You know something? It creates a hostile work environment." And they're walking around, nobody worrying about it. Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school. George Carlin. Americans love to eat. Heres some bumper stickers Id like to see: We are the proud parents of a child whose self esteem is sufficient that he doesnt need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car. We are the proud parents of a child who has resisted his teachers attempts to break his spirit and bend him to the will of his corporate masters. We have a daughter in public school who hasnt been knocked up yet. We have a son in public school who hasnt shot any of his classmates yet. According to these guys, Jesus is undefeated, meanwhile these assholes are in last place. Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. It can help you a lot. George Carlin, 8. He was a true outspoken man that we can emulate in many ways. Its a fucking sacrilege! Pack your shit, were goin away. Here are 51 quotes from the late comedian that show him at his best hilarious, irascible and never satisfied with the state of society. You know what the motto of this country ought to be? You will do things in the name of a group that you would never do on your own. You know, why should it be illegal to sell something thats perfectly legal to give away? Irony is "a state of affairs that is the reverse of what was to be expected; a result opposite to and in mockery of the appropriate result." But no, Dorko in the plaid knickers is gonna hit it again, and walk some more. Bullshit is everywhere. And camcorders: here is technology gone berserk. Enjoy! They come from American homes, American families, American schools, American churches, and American businesses. I think humans were given great great gifts: walking upright, binocular vision, opposable thumb, large brain We grew. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. And if you read the news even badly, you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter. They want your fuckin' retirement money. Its called fucking with people!. We made the whole fucking thing up! If you take five white guys and put 'em with five black guys, and let 'em hang around together for about a month, and at the end of the month, you'll notice that the white guys are walking and talking and standing like the black guys do. Save the planet! We won the big game today, yes sir!" Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians; all taking turns killing each other because God told 'em it was a good idea. They call it the National Defense University, but it's a war college. its only a symbol. Don't you love that phrase? I have major psychotic fucking hatreds. They own all the important land. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. 29. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them. George Carlin, 34. And nobody seems to notice, nobody seems to care. George Carlin : It's the only metaphor we have in our public discourse for solving a problem; it's called declaring a war. I hate groups of people but I love individuals. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night. But most of this "humor" on the Internet is just plain stupid. But I said it with a smile. During bombing raids in Iraq, the media liked to say that Saddam Hussein used people as, The fanatics have another name for fetuses. Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.You have no choice. It's a subconscious need to project the penis into other people's affairs. So I say live and let live. Really. Thats our history. I wouldn't be surprised if they came up with a birth control pill that doesn't work all the time; they'd call it "Baby Maybe"! It doesnt only represent the good things. Must be another one of those miracles.. Anything differentthat's what they're gonna talk aboutrace, religion, ethnic and national background, jobs, income, education, social status, sexuality, anything they can do to keep us fighting with each other, so that they can keep going to the bank! It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. When they say "right to life," they're talking about THEIR right to decide which people should live or die. Then you become a baby, and then You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions central heating, room service on tap, and then You finish off as an orgasm. Some people see the glass half full, others see it half empty. Well, if it's undisputed, what's all the fighting about? "Life is sacred"? Were gonna save the fuckin planet? If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor. Bomb them!" Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous. Millions of dead motherfuckers, all because they gave the wrong answer to The God Question: "Do you believe in God?" And when you suspend your individual beauty you also give up a lot of your humanity. George Carlin on God "The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post 'Thou shalt not steal,' 'Thou shalt not commit adultery,' and 'Thou shalt not lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. The only story I know of where clouds are important was Noah's Ark! No neonatal care, no daycare, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. You know what the motto for this country ought to be? 4. George Carlin on Customs. The people are fucked! And you can see their point: wouldn't want some guy to go to Hell, Quality, value, style, service, selection, convenience, economy, savings, performance, experience, hospitality, low rates, friendly service, name brands, easy terms, affordable prices, money-back guarantee, free installation, free admission, free appraisal, free alterations, free delivery, free home trial, and free parking. Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. George Carlin, 4. "I just got here, man, you kiddin' me?" Think about this: think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of 'em are stupider than that. This is an outmoded idea. They want me to call that thing in the street a "person-hole cover;" I think that's taking it a little bit too far. They're all in favor of the unborn. They own, and control the corporations. 80% of a woman's fertilized eggs are rinsed and flushed out of her body once a month during those delightful few days she has. 40. They say if you scratch a cynic, you'll find a disappointed idealist. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? 2010 The Thought & Expression Company, Inc. 1. Individualists. Save the planet, we don't even know how to take care of. A comedian can say things that you may not want to hear but need to. BULLSHIT! I can't follow the logic on that one at all! 'Cause I got to tell you the truth, folks: when it comes to bullshit - big-time, major-league bullshit - you have to stand in awe, in AWE of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. How can [God] be perfect? Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesnt mean the circus has left town. George Carlin, 23. Thank God for that. Youll never see the black guys going, Oh, golly! A group of slave owners who wanted to be free! They never mention that part to us, do they? Share your thoughts in the comments below! But limited time only, though, so act now, order today, send no money. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. Don't let my beard become entangled in the gears of a transcontinental bus. The people are fucked! George Carlin, 80. In this blog post, we'll take a look at some of Carlin's most famous quotes on government. You know why? The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but Im just not close enough to get the job done.. Uber is a mobile app that hails cabs for you. Well he was an honest guy ya know, he wasn't gonna bullshit a 4-year-old. Some people have no idea what theyre doing, and a lot of them are really good at it. George Carlin, 42. "Just when these American citizens needed their rights the most, their government sucked 'em away. I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. That's all the media and the politicians are ever talking aboutthe things that separate us, things that make us different from one another. Thats all weve ever had in this country, is a bill of temporary privileges. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. "Hey! The Young People Who Traverse Dimensions While Wearing Sunglasses, You Can Be The Reason Someone Feels Okay In Their OwnSkin, The Best Dating Sites and Apps: Complete List of the Top Online DatingPlatforms. And don't let me be hit by a flying turd. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. Heres all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshiper. And that's the problem. That is against their interests. But you'll see guys with red hair named Duffy going, "What's happenin'?". The planet is fine. So, we must be clear about our expectations for government and its role in our lives. ""The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post 'Thou shalt not steal,' 'Thou shalt not commit adultery,' and 'Thou shalt not lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. Who cares? So maybe its not the politicians who suck; maybe its something else. Have you ever noticed that the only metaphor we have in our public discourse for solving problems is to declare war on it? But he does sell drugs to your honor student. They don't want people who are smart enough to sit around a kitchen table and think about how badly they're getting fucked by a system that threw them overboard 30 fuckin' years ago. They don't fall out of the sky; they don't pass through a membrane from a separate reality. "Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. We think in language. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. In this blog post, weve compiled some of his most compelling quotes on the subject for you to consider as well! They don't care about you at all -- at all -- at all. Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? People are fucking nuts. Now we're really going to get even: we're sending experts to show them how to run their economy. I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. I think that speaks for itself. I do not torture animals, and I do not support the torture of animals, such as that which goes on at rodeos: cowardly men in big hats abusing simple beasts in a fruitless search for manhood. His father was from Donegal, Ireland, and his mother was Irish-American. It's nothing. Thats the problem. Well I'll go for a drive, you'll go for a ride. It's like watching flies fuck! Its because volunteers work for no pay. Electricity is really just organized lightning. From a distance so I can see it all. You ever watch golf on television? It's an arrogant thing to place a burning barrier between you and the rest of the world. Organized religion and organized crime working together to help build a better America. 28. An art thief is a man who takes pictures. Selling is legal. Doesn't anyone in this country stop and LOOK AT THINGS anymore? Some people don't want you to mention certain things. Tell you a little secret about the blues; its not enough to know which notes to play, you gotta know why they need to be played, and another thing I dont think white people should be trying to dance like blacks. (101), Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence. We got a war on poverty, the war on crime, war on litter, the war on cancer, the war on drugs. A cross-eyed nun with a bullwhip and a bottle of gin! Pointless careerism, putting on a man tailored suit and shoulder pads and imitating all the worst behavior of men? A Reverend Donald Wildman in Mississippi heard something on the radio that he didn't like. He loves you and He needs money. Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? And just dumb enough to passively accept it., The government doesnt lie, it engages in disinformation., Im a loyal American and Im not happy unless I let the government and industry poison me a little bit every day., Government wants to control information and control language because thats the way you control thought, and basically thats the game theyre in., Bullshit is the glue that binds us as a nation., I believe the government should step in where the free market fails., Sooner or later the people in this country are going to realize: the government does not give a fuck about them., A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does.. ", "One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. You might get there on time, but, screw the company, those first twenty minute belong to you, right? "Thy Will Be Done." It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other peoples stuff. F*ck Hope. Well who has less abortions than homosexuals? Its a subconscious need to project the penis into other peoples affairs. We cut education, in 50 years, well be so stack with idiots with shitty jobs that we wont have enough money to pay for defense! George Carlin, 85. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? Everyones at the mall, scratching his balls and buying sneakers with lights in them. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. Carlin and his older brother, Pat, were primarily raised by their mother in Manhattan's Morningside Heights neighborhood. Its been here over four billion years The planet isnt goin anywhere, folks. 34. They should be more vivid. Pretty neat deal, huh? We're so self-important. '""I have solved this political dilemma in a very direct way: I don't vote. Use your fucking heads! "Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails." Nature is in here. "The good Lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage." After all, he was one of the most successful comedians of all time! (224), Many people work on war plans; not too many work on peace plans. It sounds like this: "What, they have bigger dicks? He'd say, "I'm goin' upstairs and fuck your grandmother." Its no secret that George Carlin was a bit of a political philosopher. They will do anything for the unborn. 13. But happiness is not something I have, it is something I myself want to be. When they talk about drugs, they don't talk about all of them. Thats all it is. I put a dollar in a change machine. Tell the judge the truth. That's all we've ever had in this country, is a bill of temporary privileges. Then youre just what theyre looking for. People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point. Weve learned how to make a living but not a life. The difference between left and right of center originated in the French parliament. Call me! The Zen Teachings of George Carlin, a Comedian Who Pointed the Way Judd Apatow and Michael Bonfiglio's new HBO documentary "George Carlin's American Dream" takes viewers on a tour through. It will be a coincidence. But where do people think these politicians come from? Dole kept saying "I'm a plain and honest man." Especially if it's me! Skip the clouds and get to the fucking. I wonder why prostitution is illegal. I see a glass thats twice as big as it needs to be. George Carlin, 44. There's something I like about the clitoris, but I can't quite put my finger on it. George Carlin was an outspoken comic, known for his brash sense of humor, foul language and controversial views on politics, religion and other sensitive subjects. One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim. George Carlin, 51. You voted them in. The upper class keeps all of the money, pays none of the taxes. Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary, it's our way of saying thank you. You're a winner!" For twelve dollars. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Its disgusting, man. People who say they dont care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they dont care what people think. George Carlin, 28. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. George Carlin, 46. Everybodys going to save something now. Two-hundred and twenty-five of 'em, so far! ", "Rockets And Penises In The Persian Gulf", Now, to balance the scale, I'd like to talk about some things that bring us together, things that point out our similarities instead of our differences. They can't stand the fact that they might have been stupid enough to have lost something. Dont just teach your children to read Teach them to question everything that they read Teach them to question everything. George Carlin, 86. Two. Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. George Carlin, 26. Governments dont want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation. The less said about it the better. George Carlin, 38. Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. They're doing amphetamines. His parents divorced when he was two months old, and he . On Election Day, I stay home. This is what our system produces, folks. I'd like to repeat that, because it sounds *vaguely* important! Pray for anything, but what about the Divine Plan? They want obedient workers. George Denis Patrick Carlin ( May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian, actor, author, singer, voice artist, and comedian, noted especially for his irreverent attitude and his observations on politics, language, psychology, and religion, as well as some taboo subjects. There is actually a semi-important figure in American history who is named for a blow-job movie. Weve added years to life, not life to years. George Carlin, 6. Must be another one of those "miracles.". And if you read the news even badly, you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter. If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse. You know what they want? It creates a hostile work environment. George Carlin, 65. The actual author of this quote is Roger J. Corless, from his book "The Vision of Buddhism: the Space Under the Tree". And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesnt want you to do. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit. George Carlin, 21. This is the best we can do folks. Keep your circle small. In America, anyone can become president. Either you gimme my money backor I'm shittin' in the well! Forget the politicians. Just like homeless people. You don't have to bring flowers. Electricity is really just organized lightning. George Carlin, 20. Rights aren't rights if someone can take them away. Anal rape, quicksand, body lice, evil spirits, gridlock, acid rain, continental drift, labor violence, flash floods, rabies, torture, bad luck, calcium deficiency, falling rocks, cattle stampedes, bank failure, evil neighbors, killer bees, organ rejection, lynching, toxic waste, unstable dynamite, religious fanatics, prickly heat, price fixing, moral decay, hotel fires, loss of face, stink bombs, bubonic plague, neo-Nazis, friction, cereal weevils, failure of will, chain reaction, soil erosion, mail fraud, dry rot, voodoo curse, broken glass, snake bite, parasites, white slavery, public ridicule, faithless friends, random violence, breach of contract, family scandals, charlatans, transverse myelitis, structural defects, race riots, sunspots, rogue elephants, wax buildup, killer frost, jealous coworkers, root canals, metal fatigue, corporal punishment, sneak attacks, peer pressure, vigilantes, birth defects, false advertising, ungrateful children, financial ruin, mildew, loss of privileges, bad drugs, ill-fitting shoes, widespread chaos, Lou Gehrig's disease, stray bullets, runaway trains, chemical spills, locusts, airline food, shipwrecks, prowlers, bathtub accidents, faulty merchandise, terrorism, discrimination, wrongful cremation, carbon deposits, beef tapeworm, taxation without representation, escaped maniacs, sunburn, abandonment, threatening letters, entropy, nine-mile fever, poor workmanship, absentee landlords, solitary confinement, depletion of the ozone layer, unworthiness, intestinal bleeding, defrocked priests, loss of equilibrium, disgruntled employees, global warming, card sharks, poisoned meat, nuclear accidents, broken promises, contamination of the water supply, obscene phone calls, nuclear winter, wayward girls, mutual assured destruction, rampaging moose, the greenhouse effect, cluster headaches, social isolation, Dutch elm disease, the contraction of the universe, paper cuts, eternal damnation, the wrath of God, and. These people were given. In the end, there are people who don't fit into the marketplace and are not equipped. George Carlin Quotes. High-quality, grade-A, prime-cut, pure, American bullshit. No, viruses, mold, mildew, maggots, fungus, weeds, E. Coli bacteria, the crabs.
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